Badger Reads Shakespeare

Alas, There is No Photographic Record of These Events

2005-11-30T22:08:00.000-05:00

I have not yet introduced you to the dog who lives here in the house. Her name is Cinder.

This picture shows her just after receiving her summer haircut. Now she bears a shaggier 'do in honor of the onset of colder weather.

Anyhow, this evening Cinder was guarding My Girl downstairs in the kitchen as the Girl dished out a bowl of vanilla ice cream. After all, you never know when foodstuffs will go on the aggressive and just leap off of the kitchen counter in attack mode.

And you might think that last sentence was in jest.

Nope.

Tonight, a chunk of vanilla ice cream leapt out of the container in its flight to gain freedom and leave a trail of carnage in its wake. Fortunately, it miscalculated its leap and bounced off the top of Cinder's head. Cinder was able to capture it on the rebound, as it were.

Hours later, the dog is still waiting patiently downstairs in hope that more sugary goodness will fall from the sky. Meanwhile, I am considering investing in a catcher's mitt, in case I am ever presented with a similar opportunity.

Honouring an Author of Questionable Virtue

2005-11-29T20:38:00.000-05:00

Almost two months ago, my dearest Monkey became aware of the darker, murderous intentions behind the innocent facade of a beloved children's author. Ever the civic-minded simian, he made sure to inform the wider community about these troubling revelations of someone purveying bunny snuff narratives concealed by soft watercolour paintings.

It was truly a shocking revelation to such an avid reader as myself. I mean, just look at her! She seems so very genteel and ladylike in her demeanour! So, quite frankly, British. How could she be capable of such deception?!? Here, she walks a pet bunny with such apparent care and affection. Knowing what I now know, I cringe to imagine that poor bunny's fate after the cameras ceased to roll---or, even more distressingly, perhaps after a new set of cameras started.

Now, although I am afraid of the trauma it may cause my simian friend, I fell compelled to report on another attempt to whitewash the reputation of this ethically challenged writer. The Eric Carle Museum of Picturebook Art is hosting an exhibit entitle Beatrix Potter in America. And it doesn't seem as if there's any acknowledgement of the likely disregard for American bunny safety. No, I'm sure it's all blah blah artistic, blah gentle soul, blah blah a pack of horrible lies.

Meanwhile, my own research has uncovered a more insiduous way this lady had of keeping my own relations in a subservient role. This story tells of a distant cousin who does the washing for all the other creatures who have passed through our author's perverted tales.

Oh, yes, if you please'm; my name is Mrs. Tiggy-winkle; oh, yes if you please'm, I'm an excellent clear-starcher!

Look at that smile and those vacant eyes. Truly a brainwashed Stepford Hedgehog if I've ever seen one.....

A Weekly Postcard

2005-11-28T20:01:00.000-05:00

No excursions to report on today---the holiday weekend left my travel capacities frighteningly curtailed.

However, I am compelled to report on things here on the home front.

My Girl has gone insane. Does she have no sales resistance?

It's going to be a long loooooong holiday season if this new experiment deprives me of all those yummy treats I have come to love.

Where There's a Will There's a Way

2005-11-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

I have discovered a way to depart (and, most importantly, to re-enter) the house unassisted by any tall behmoths of humankind.

This unusual doorway is something of a tight squeeze, so I was forced to wait for better weather, as the Yellow Mac would likely have added just enough heft to make the narrow doorway impassable. I was forced, for similar reasons, to leave my backpack and my Pez Pal in the house. (As it turns out, that may have been a fortuitous happening.)

I had a conversation with a delightfully green lady who gave me all the necessary information about Philadelphia and its environs to allow me further travels.

I took the liberty of asking her about where I might be able to find joy or whimsy, and was hearilty admonished for such a question. Apparantly, she is deeply resentful at being out on display so many weeks after her appropriate feast-day. What might otherwise have been quite a whimsical window display has instead become a source of anger for this green gal.

I decideed to flee before she took it upon herself to hex me.

'Twas a Dark and Stormy Night

2005-11-16T21:50:00.000-05:00

No, really, it was dark and stormy. Or, I mean, it is dark and stormy. Or will have been, by the time you (whomever you may be) are reading this?

Regardless.

I have been unconsciably silent this past month. I have asked My Girl why this is so, the Fella has asked about it, others have inquired as well. "For Badger to write requires joy and whimsy," My Girl replied, "and those are two commodities in very short supply."

So I have determined to quest until those rare substances are found and reinstalled in the Badger household.

Every great quest, of course, requires appropriate preparations and provisions. First, I had to search the laundry pile for travelling attire.

Notice, if you will, the manner in which My Girl keeps house. What should be a guest bed is instead the place where the pile of laundry lives. Nevertheless, I was able to find my raincoat and hat--it being a dark and stormy night and all.

I'll admit that before embarking on my epic journey, I took some bit of time to admire my Great Big Waterproof Mac-ishness. Notice also that I have packed luggage with a Pez pal guaranteed to provide both nourishment and companionship along the road.

So I was finally prepared to head into the great wide world.

Only one problem: how am I ever to reach the doorknob?

Drat.

Alas, Cruel Fate

2005-11-09T22:58:00.000-05:00

I am learning that anthropomorphic stuffed aniumals cannot ever rest easy: regardless of their place in the space time continuum.

The Fella sent me and My Girl quite a disturbing bulletin this afternoon:

The crocodile, as one of the ultimate predators, can fall victim to the kind of implemented 'teamwork' strategy which is possible due to the pack mentality and social structure of canines.

See the attached and remarkable photograph courtesy of Nature Magazine--but not if you're squeamish!

I am indeed squeamish. I must go throw up now.

If you need me, I'll be hiding under the covers.

Badger in Battle

2005-11-08T20:40:00.000-05:00

I apologize to everyone for my long absence. My nemesis seems to have found a way to create a small tear in the fabric of space and time. When I crawled out of my nest some very-many days ago, I accidentally stepped into that rip, and found myself tumbling away from my comfortable Philadelphia domicle...

I ended up in a strange two-dimensional world, a world in which I was both hero

and villain

Needless to say, it was all very confusing, and I am still a little mixed up as to whether I am now an ally of my small alien roommate, or if my experiences have left me all the more determined to thwart his evil vegetative plans.

Regardless of my uncertain loyalties, there were some moments of fun to be had in this strange new world. I made friends with a new monkey, who gave me yummy fruit on which to snack.

And I met a fellow who was all irate on the surface, but turned out to have a heart of chocolate. I mean that.

I think for all my earlier-professed love of chocolate-covered strawberries, I must now declare my true loyalty to the cholcolate-covered papaya. 'Tis a delicacy to treasure.

Tonight I get to sleep in my very own nesty Philadelphia bed. Bliss!!

A is for Amtrak, B is for...ME!

2005-10-24T22:22:00.000-04:00

My family and I had quite an excursion over the weekend. We took the train to Atlantic City in order to hear the wisdom of a very renowned philosopher.

But wait, I am getting ahead of myself.

It was a grey and rainy day, so My Girl and Her Fella were very careful to find a larger carrying case for me than I have previously modelled. This would enable my fur to remain dry and clean and devastatingly attractive, as any badger's fur should be. Although it was a very tight squeeze to close the zippered fastener, I was deeply appreciative of my badgerly briefcase during the trek through the torrential Philadlephia downpour to reach the train station.

I have heard that otters are water-loving creatures and that they are somehow distantly related to me and my kin. I do not believe that for a single furry second. Water is much more pleasant when drunk through a straw and rain is best when you can listen to it pitter-pat on the roof of a cozy den where you are relaxing with a hot toddy and warm socks. I have not yet reached final conclusion as to the necesity of puppet badger bloggers wearing pants, but I am unequivocally in favor of warm socks.

I was excited for my first trip on a passenger train, but as you can see, the grey weather left the chance of scenery-watching to be greatly limited. Instead, I contented myself with some fine reading material. After all, I am a very literate badger, indeed. Happily enough, the fine example of journalistic excellence contained a feature story on the very philosopher towards whome we were questing on pilgrimage.

When I was tired of reading, I took myself to higher ground---you can never be too careful in rainy times such as these. For the most part I napped the rest of the trip away.

Unfortunately what I did not realize is that my dear adopted family were Up To No Good with their intentions to visit this philosopher. More precisely, they had not bothered to purchase a ticket for me! In disillusioned retrospect, I realize that all the efforts to find a nice secure briefcase may had had less to do with my safety and dryness and instead, more to do with my capacity to be smuggled into this fine experience of theatrical wisdom.

I cannot but wonder if my alien neighbor's dastardly influence is not being felt in this household.

The Story of the Camera

2005-10-19T20:47:00.000-04:00

I know I promised to report on the saga of this week's malfunctioning camera. Now that all the appropriate forensic results have been collected, the time has now come for this report.

Let it first be admitted that there is no direct photographic proof of the camera-tampering incident. This, alas, stands to reason: if one's camera has been tampered with, that camera will thus by definition be unable to record the camera-tampering individual in the act of tampering.

However, other patterns of suspicious behavior have been observed as circumstantial evidence of a suspect's identity...

The problem was ultimately diagnosed to be related to the battery, which had mysteriously become unable to hold an electrical charge for longer than 45 seconds. Upon closer examination, the contact plates were discovered to be contaminated with a green substance. Examination under maginfication revealed this to be some alien--and possibly malevolent--vegetable matter.

Perhaps you might think me foolish to attribute alien origin and malevolent purpose to vegetation, but remember: the historical record shows some precedent for my concern.

I must remain watchful. My research has shown me that their eyes are everywhere.

I have proof:

Their eyes are everywhere

I'll be sleeping with one eye open tonight. Or I'll be taking an Ambien. I mean, realy, that film is just so......icky.

Jammies

2005-10-18T19:54:00.000-04:00

My friend Monkey has been concerned about the issues of Pants and Pajama Parity. What, he asks, are we puppet bloggers to do when the appalling species-ism of clothing manufacture means that there are no good pants that accomodate our leg-to-tail-to-butt proportions?

I have not yet decided what my daytime solution to this conundrum will be--although I am considering taking the eternally pantsless Donald Duck as my role model in this regard.

However, for sleepwear, I have unequivocally decided to embrace the worldview of the Elizabethan dandy. Nightshirts can be macho, too!

I am very fond of my new jammies. So fond, in fact, that I took a lazy day and stayed cozy and bundled up for the entirety of it. My Girl complained this morning that she'd like to stay in her jammies all day, too. Especially since the wekeend trip that was supposedly all about expanding my wardrobe resulted in some new pajamas for her, too:

I cannot begrudge her the indulgence. How could we resist such a tribute to our favorite simian puppet blogger?

That is all. Good night!

Expanding My World

2005-10-17T18:56:00.000-04:00

The camera is up and functioning again---which is an explanation I must save for another day.

Anyhow, My Girl has not been particularly focussed on the grocery shopping--she promises it will be taken care of tomorrow, but I will believe that when I see it with my own badger-eyes.

However, I am not particularly distressed by her inattention to food aquisition, because it has enabled my introduction to a new realm of tasty delights.

Ah, lovely eggroll and pork fried rice. Yummy fried noodles and wonton soup, all packaged in small cardboard boxes with handy wire handles. Okay, I admit: the soup was not packaged in a charming wire-handled box. Some silly concern about leaks....

I was initially concerned about the possible hidden message of the humans encouraging me to cavort inside such food containers. Has the mysterious alien been whispering dastardly ideas during sleepingtime? However, once I realized this was simply another photo opportunity being seized, I happily cavorted away. See my happy dance:

(I think it's very nice when the food delivery bags bear such good will towards we, the customers. Don't you? Doesn't that yellow-and-blue smile fill your heart with joy?*)

Here I am demonstrating my iron will and impeccable balance. Once the reading of fortunes and eating of cookies was permitted, I was quite relieved to see that I had not received yet another portent of doom. Some of those cookies can carry terribly negative messages.

But finally, I stashed some of this food away.

Winter's coming soon and a badger never can be too careful about planning ahead. I repeat: a badger never can be too careful.

* Please forgive the saccharine nature of my sentiments above. I must be very careful. There are eyes everywhere, but if you remember your primary and secondary colors from art class, you might be able to translate my subtle hint. Now, quickly: move about your business. I never told you any of this.....

Technical Difficulties

2005-10-16T21:59:00.000-04:00

The camera's busted.

Drat.

Illegal Alien

2005-10-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

Someone new has unexpectedly made his presence known in our household:

He is currently holding court over the fishtank with a manner that is both imperious and ever-so-subtly sinister.

I believe he may be plotting at nefarious schemes. So I am determined to be very watchful.

No Pictures Tonight

2005-10-12T22:39:00.000-04:00

Instead, I have discovered lyrics for a rhapsody to another one of my sketchier cousins:

Out in the woods
Up to no good
I wanna make friends with the badger

The woodchuck likes me
We smoke PCP
I wanna make friends with the badger
I mean it!
I wanna make friends with the badger
For real!
I wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the
Wanna make friends with the badger

Now I have absolutely no comment on this alleged PCP usage, but really? Cross-species association with a woodchuck?!?

We may never overcome the shame placed upon our family....

My Burrow is the Best Burrow

2005-10-11T22:49:00.000-04:00

Well, the experts have this to say about the proper location of a badger burrow:

They make the most of scattered grassy areas like pastures, roadsides, fencerows, field borders, ditch banks, and railroad rights-of-way. Woodlots, cemeteries, and idle crop fields are other important habitats.

Now, that is all very well and good, but I think my chosen burrow is far superior to some railroad right-of-way. Don't you?

Today certainly was the kind of day to lend itself to blanket burrowing. I did not know that my first month in Philadelphia might require the construction of my own badger-sized ark.

Hmmm.... That might be my weekend project. I'll either build a boat or buy a raincoat.

Till then, more luxurious sleep. My Girl needs to rest before tomorrow's work day, so in two minutes, I won't have any more light for typing.

I'll add an eyeshade to my weekend shopping list....

2005-10-10T21:22:00.000-04:00

Bright and Shiny Up On the Screen

2005-10-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

Another new adventure this weekend: my first movie theatre! (And believe me when I say this particular place warrants the pretentious Eurotrash "re" ending...)

The lobby was very feng shui with its wooden couch alcoves, its tasteful lighting arrangements, and the smooth jazz being piped in over the loudspeakers before each show. The theatres themselves were blessed with nice roomy booster seats that allow a small badger to enjoy a refreshing beverage and a film all at the same time.

(Wait, you mean that wasn't a special badger-gonomic seat designed just for me? I'm shocked--shocked, I tell you--that you would tell me such a heinous lie.)

The film is one I mentioned earlier in a comment on Monkey's blog. We didn't get to see Serenity on its opening weekend because of our travels north, so My Girl was bound and determined to make sure she saw it first thing this weekend.

Then she got very sad.

Still, I can't help but enjoy watching a fictional universe that contains my very own namesake. No, he wasn't actually in the film, but there was some DVD-watching in preparation for the expedition, so therefore I was able to meet The Other Badger.

Isn't his chapeau the coolest?

I hope to write more frequently about my adventures, but I have been laid up with an injured paw that makes it very difficult to climb up on the desk chair to reach the computer keyboard. I am hopeful I will be on the mend shortly.

Until then, nothing says "get well soon" like some chocolate-covered earthworms....

On a Spiritual Quest

2005-10-05T22:45:00.000-04:00

When I described my traumatic encounter with Sebastian, I mentioned how my faith in the spiritual guidance of Friar Tuck helped me weather the experience.

I even began to hope that I had found an enduring connection to my badger heritage: a foundation to sustain me in my new human- and dog-filled life.

But then I discovered this:

A horrible revelation printed on a T-shirt for all the world to see.

I guess poor Friar Tuck is not the spiritual guide for me, after all.

Drat.

Terrible Things Come In Small Packages

2005-10-03T21:28:00.000-04:00

Well, my daily shift as badger-wage-slave is done, and it is time for me to put my paws up and contemplate my trip north.

Here's the first thing: North has a small terror of a dog. Sebastian is his name, which is an abnormally long name for such a small miniature dachsund.

At first, he growled at me. He actually growled at me! I considered turning my Badgerly tail and running for the bedroom, but I prayed mightily to the God of Badger Friar Tuck from the Disney cartoon, and I was protected.

Soon, little Sebastian was saying hello in that peculiar ways that dogs have of going about their social pleasantries:

In another circumstance, I might have protested, but I decided to submit to this minor indignity. (Did I mention that he growled at me?)

Now this looks like an adorable picture of little Sebastian making himself a den underneath one of the ottomans (ottomen?).

Don't be fooled. Untold horrors transpired in that small space.

Let me call your attention to that small patch of green in the upper corner of the "greeting" picture. In fact, allow me to enlarge and re-center the shot to show what crimes had been cropped out of the borders.

Do you not see what crimes have been committed by this small dog? The trail of miniscule corpses, victims of teasing and torture? My heart goes out to the one penguin so prominently featured in this photograph, but please pay particular attention to the frogs: two visible, and if you look closely I believe you shall see the patches of green for those frogs still imprisoned in Sebastian's white plastic prison basket.

Oh, the froganity! The gnawing, the tugging, the small bits of string and sinew visible in his rapacious yet stubby snout. I can only thank my mammalian ancestors that I was deemed too warm-blooded to be victimized in similar fashion.

But I cannot rid myself of these mental pictures. I have been emotionally scarred for life.

Although a few chocolate-covered earthworms might be of some small comfort...

The Comfort of Unconfined Travel

2005-10-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

I stand by all my predictions that travel within a car is vastly preferable to boxed-up travelling. I was given snacks and cuddles and other happy attention.

I was also charged with a very important task: guard duty when both humans were making a stop at the vet (or Dunkin Donuts or McDonald's or the Shell gas station). Who would even consider automobile theivery with such a visage of intensity and danger on the watch?

I have already shown what a safety-conscious badger I can be. However, the Fella needed to have the passenger seat available to him, so for this trip, I was placed into my own 'specially badger-sized embroidered bag for safety.

Such luxury! My Girl thinks of this container as a purse, but I can attest that it is much more applicable when used for badger travel. Wouldn't you agree?

Truly all the creature comforts a creature such as myself would require. There was even reading available to while away the driving time and the rest stops---and reading that could be done in daylight rather than by flashlight!!!

Alas, I do not have time to recount the rest of my New England exploits. Tomorrow morning marks my return to wage-earning at the Taxidea Office: it is a prospect that fills me with tears and dread. I must go rest and collect my emotional reserves for this unpleasant necessity.

Earthworms don't come cheap, you know.

On the Road Again

2005-09-29T23:15:00.000-04:00

Well, as reported, I am barely recovered from one trip before the next one is upon me. At least this time I get to ride inside the car. (Yes, I chose the dog as preferable to being shut up in the trunk. I'm really tired of being shut up in places for travelling.)

I am typing very quickly amidst the tizzy of packing and preparations. This is a brief two-night visit, but it is my first introduction to my human cousins, so I wish to make my best impression.

I will return in a few days with stories of the great North. Not quite as far and great and nothward as Monkey resides, but still 100% really and truly in New England. New England is new to me. I am looking forward to it.

That is all.

Culinary Delights

2005-09-29T09:29:00.000-04:00

Although many of my extended family are rumoured to subsist on rodentia, I prefer to create a diet that consists of such yummies as fruit and honey.

And earthworms. Yummy, yummy earthworms.

Last night, however, I discovered something that has rocked my sense of what eating can be. Did you know that fruit can be wrapped in chocolate for extra flavor? And if you knew that already, why did no one tell me?

As you can see, I was riveted by the display of eating possibility presented to me.

You can also see that my Girl is not very good at house-cleaning. That will become ever more apparent in any pictures of me at my new home. Happily, though, I can report there are books. Lots and lots of books. A veritable feast for a literate badger.

This evening, though, I gave my attention to prosaic feasts:

This junk food could become my downfall. I'd better make sure I don't get a potbelly like a certain dragon I know...

Trouble In Paradise?

2005-09-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

I would have hoped that the end of my difficult journey would bring me to a long stretch of rest and affectionate treatment. Imagine my surprise and dismay when, yesterday evening, I found myself nose to nose with....

a competitor.

The floppy-eared dog pictured above is named Cuddle Pup. He's been around for quite a while as I understand it, and seems to be very spoiled from being the alpha stuffie for all that time. Note the way his beady little eyes are completely hidden by his fur. I'm not sure I trust this fellow.

Also, I'm not sure who coined the term "a dog's life" to indicate hard work and suffering, but that individual clearly has never seen the incredible quantity of napping and loafing about enjoyed by this particular exemplar of the species.

(In case you're worried, he's sleeping, not dead. In this photo, it's kind of hard to tell. Trust me when I say that a few hours after this picture was taken, Cuddle was awake again and explaining to me all the household routines.)

I am happy to report that lasy night, Cuddle was ejected from the prime sleeping acreage and I spent a wonderfully un-boxed night there.

Now I'm re-aquainting myself with actual computer keyboards (instead of those dratted UPS touchpads). I also hope this photo helps with sizing perspective, since I fear that Tomm Catt has misunderstood my size to be more ginormous than it is.

Please note, also, the research report to which I am pointing. I expect my reading time to be limited, but I am determined to read through all of my Arden Shakespeare. However, I will not simply be reading from cover to cover. Instead, I am going to read these works in the approximate order of their writing.

After all, I am a very literate badger, indeed.

I will report back periodically on my slow progress towards this goal.

The Journey's Final Leg

2005-09-27T19:16:00.000-04:00

Here's a secret: my Girl had me mailed to her office instead of to the home address.

"This box got a little bit banged up," observed the department secretary as she came to the doorway with my container and a stack of entirely unimportant mail.

A little bit?!? Oh my head!!

The scene of plastic suffocation and badger compression that was evident upon the first opening of this box is one that I do not wish to inflict upon you fair readers. If I am lucky, my own memories of such horrors will soon fade.

However, I must admit that I quickly recovered, and seemed none the worse for such hard travelling conditions:

(That slip of paper I'm holding carries detailed instructions for the proper care and grooming of badgers after such a long trip in such a very compact kind of space.)

Alas, my Girl had to pay attention to her unimportant duties for several more hours, despite my attempts to distract her with a jaunty pose:

Finally, at the end of the working day, I was buckled in securely for the drive to my permanent Philadelphia domecile.

I don't want to do any more travelling any time soon. (Maybe ever.) Alas, I am informed that I will be meeting the extended family only three days hence. I'm optimistic that I will not be shut up in that box again, although I cannot decide which of my two options is more distasteful to me:

Inside the car trunk; or
Inside the car, accompanied by the dog.

But that is a conundrum for another day. For now, it is time to explore the house and get my bearings.

That is all.

I Am Obsessed with the UPS Package Tracker

2005-09-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

To wit:
Of course, what this also means is.....

I get out of the box today!!!

Further bulletins (with photos) anticipated for the evening.

Progress!!

2005-09-26T13:31:00.000-04:00

I am happy to say that I have finally and officially reached my new home state!

(Yes, the text is small, but it's there it's there! Horsham, PA!! According to the UPS navigational software, that is a scant 36 minutes from Philadlpehia.)

I would like to think I will be emerging from my cardboard box tomorrow, but I will have to wait and see if that delightful possibility comes to pass.

Life Is So Unfair

2005-09-25T09:38:00.000-04:00

Zounds!! How can somebody possibly design this quiz about adorable animals and not include the badger?!?

You Are A: Bear Cub!

Bears are strong and independent creatures who roam in the forest in search of food. Bears are usually gentle, but anger one and be prepared for their full fury! You're tough, you won't back down from a fight, you have a bit of a temper -- classic attributes of a bear. Intelligent and resourceful, though lazy at times, you are a fascinating creature of the wild.

You were almost a: Kitten or a Monkey
You are least like a: Chipmunk or a Duckling What Cute Animal Are You?

I am no longer a badger in a box, but instead, a bear in a box. This distresses me immensely. I think I'll go lie down until my identity crisis lessens.

To While Away the Hours

2005-09-24T23:30:00.000-04:00

Kind Monkey has promised to send a flashlight my way. He advises me that the proper reading material is essential for long incarcerations---something like the OED, perhaps.

My choice (unsurprisingly) is something bit more compact:

I am lucky to only need a fortnight's worth of entertainment, so the single volume should suffice. Besides, I would suggest that my dear William is a volume's writing that could be read and enjoyed several times over. Not that I'm hoping for that, mind you. I am looking forward to learning all about Philadelphia. After all, the City of Badgerly Love is not a customary part of my compatriots' range. (I guess the nickname must indicate the popularity of my soon-to-be-home as a vacation spot? Clearly, I have spent too many of my past hours becoming very literate. And not enough becoming worldly-wise.)

Well, the smooth rhythm of the rolling tires tempts me to nestle in my packing peanuts for another night's sleep.

That is all.

And More Transit

2005-09-23T22:54:00.000-04:00

Well, according to the UPS tracker, I am still somewhere between San Pablo, CA and Philadelphia, which is where I have been since the 21st. No intermediary stops, no part-of-the-way checkpoints for a very literate Badger.

Too bad I did not pack myself in one of these badger boxes:

At least then I could arrive at my new home suave and well-groomed.

Please send a flashlight. It's too dark to read, and I'm getting bored.

Airing Some Dirty Laundry

2005-09-21T23:29:00.000-04:00

Although I am still (really and truly this time!) in a cardboard box between San Pablo, CA and Philadelphia, PA, I am a badger with well-informed sources of information.

To wit:

I believe this to be Cannoli, the identically mild cousin of the infamous Calzone. Where Calzone prefers the seedier side of life, Cannoli is, instead, serving the family-friendly entertainment industry here.

No wonder Calzone keeps so quiet about the hidden branch of the family tree......

Confession

2005-09-20T23:05:00.000-04:00

When I said I was somewhere between Salinas and Philadelphia?

I lied.

The UPS site reveals that my journey began only this evening.

Where have I been, while purporting to be in a cardboard box on the back of a UPS truck?

That is a matter of national security and cannot be revealed in a public forum such as this. My apologies.

Technology Sometimes Frightens Me

2005-09-20T16:34:00.000-04:00

For all the technological prowess of which I bragged last night, I must admit that I am something of an anachronistic badger. I enjoy reading books on printed paper, hearing music played from compact discs, and I am thoroughly conFOUNDed to learn that my tiny little insignificant blog has already begun collecting comment spam.

To the commenting power-bots: show some courtesy, people. I am still in a cardboard box. I have no interest in your games or your websites.

To my more refined visitors, I apologize for requiring you to go through the "word verification" ritual. It is a sad necessity of this 21st-century world in which we live.

More Transit

2005-09-19T20:18:00.000-04:00

I am still shut up in a cardboard box somewhere between Salinas and Philadelphia.

I am sorry I do not have more entertaining adventures of which to tell, but travelling by cardboard box is very very boring.

I should consider myself lucky to have devised a clever way to transmit text using the UPS electronic clipboard. My apparatus is very complicated, using a scrap of packing tape, one styrofoam peanut, and the static electricity generated by rubbing exactly 10 of my badger hairs together.

Unfortunately, this electric charge does not last long. I am hopeful to see the light of day again soon. Until then....

That is all.

Better Than a Supreme Court Nominee

2005-09-16T15:13:00.000-04:00

Some self-styled joker in the New York Times suggested that the Senate Judiciary Panel might be able to get a straight answer from Judge Roberts if they asked him his opinion about serial commas rather than ephemera such as reproductive rights. (Yes, I read the New York Times. I am a very literate badger, indeed.)

You do not need Judge Roberts to determine this question. You only need a Very Literate Badger.

I declare myself in support of the serial comma.

That is all.

Holding a Place in Line

2005-09-14T15:25:00.000-04:00

This post is a place holder. This whole blog is currently a placeholder. Further details will be available soon---"soon" being, in this case, defined by the approximate standard shipping speed from Salinas, CA to Philadelphia, PA...

Sincerely,
Badger